The Faux-Diamond Heart-Shaped Pendant Will Go On and On

On Easter Sunday, I dug my Heart of the Ocean necklace out of a drawer, blasted some Celine Dion, and went to see Titanic for the 22nd time, this time in 3D!

The necklace may not be real, but the tiara is real--or at least about as real as the necklaces you can buy online.

Okay, not really. I did go see Titanic again, but only for the 2nd time ever. No Celine Dion, either. (Although after the movie we did have to play Britney Spears’s “Oops, I Did It Again” video. Britney should really be doing something to capitalize on this video in 2012, because with its Heart of the Ocean necklace reference and its Mars setting, it’s like John Carter meets Titanic. Or something. I don’t know what I’m talking about, but man, that’s still a good video.) And I never did fall for the incessant infomercials in 1997 hawking blue-glass heart-shaped pendants for the low, low price of $19.95 (plue P&H).

I do wonder how many people still have one of those tacky things. Should I be surprised to know that they’re still being sold? This one doesn’t even look like the one in the movie. This one seems to think the necklace is based on a real piece of jewelry (“The original is one of the most talked about gemstones in history and in today’s money would be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.”) instead of a prop worn by Kate Winslet. And both have basically the same cheesy website and belief that the best way to honor the 100th anniversary of the ship’s sinking, and subsequent death of almost 2000 people, is to sell tacky knock-off jewelry.

Boy George, I got sidetracked there. What was I talking about?

I couldn't find a good screencap online, so I MSpaint'd this mock-up.

Oh, that’s right: Titanic 3D. I didn’t enjoy the movie the first time I saw, but that may have been because I had to pee so bad for about 2.5 hours. Finishing the largest movie-size soda right when badly coiffed Billy Zane (so glad he’s been bald ever since) gave Winslet the necklace.

I appreciated it more this time around, overlooking the predictable love story, B-grade acting, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s stunning unattractiveness. Why did every girl in Japan (and everywhere else around the world) set her Hello Kitty vibrator to stun and dream about him? He looks like a 30-year-old man Botoxed down to a 17-year-old face. It’s the heavy under-eye creases that turn me away. Also, I think if the ship had somehow avoided the iceberg, the sheer amount of irony James Cameron packed into the script would have weighed the ship down to the bottom of the Atlantic.

It’s a good thing that James Cameron was rich enough to bribe the MPAA to give Titanic a PG-13 rating. If it weren’t for all the “shits,” “bullshits,” one “fuck” and the MPAA’s greatest fear–boobies! it probably would have been rated G. All that (bloodless) terror? That’s fine for the kiddos.

Crap, sidetracked again. Back to positives: costumes looked great. The ship looked marvelous. The 3D was well done. And the gut-wrenching human drama will leave me depressed for days.

I’ll just watch some more Britney to cheer up.

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